by Adam
MARCH 2002
Now, I know what you're thinking...you're thinking that Unions are into organized crime, who are paid off to kill people and work for the Mafia to help destroy everything that's right in America. I'm not, now or then, a fan of former President Ronald Reagan, but I've read in history about how Reagan won the 1980 election primarily with the help of the moral majority and the Teamsters Union. Comedian George Carlin referred to it as "a good combination....organized religion and organized crime, helping to build a better America". That's a huge misonception about American Unions, is the few "bad apples" that have hurt our reputation.
Unions are not at all like that. Some of our major
goals include: decent working conditions, better pay,
strong benefits and dignity and respect on the job.
Fighting for these goals takes courage, because
standing up for what's right usually does. As a
member of the International Association of Machinists
and Aerospace Workers(I.A.M.), and
having been on strike and standing on the picket line,
I've fought that fight to better myself, my
Union brothers and sisters, and my
company. I pay my Union dues each month. Yeah, I
know, it's like when you were a kid and you had to pay
a dollar a week to be in the big kids' "special club".
The way I view paying my Union dues is that it's an
investment, to have the support and respect of my
Union....there's no such thing as a free lunch; if you
want to play, you gotta pay. I don't know what area
of work you are in; regardless, here are some things
to ponder:
*If you enjoy having lunch/personal breaks at work
*If you enjoy having 401K/pension plans through work
*If you're thankful for health/medical/dental/life
insurance through work
*If you enjoy having days off
*If you enjoy having paid holidays
*If you enjoy having paid vacation
*If you're thankful for personal leave
*If you're thankful for workman's comp
*If you support laws against child labor
*If you support the national minimum wage laws
.....THANK THE UNION!!!!
That's an area where wrestlers could really benefit these days. Take it all into consideration. There's no unions. There's no pension or retirement plans. Plus, there's no company insurance plans. It's very hard for wrestlers to get insurance because of the high risk for injury, unless they've had it beforehand. The wrestlers are paid basically so much, but then they're paying such a high amount back in taxes, that with what little they're left with (with the exception of those who have invested wisely), by the time they're out of the business, they have nothing to show for it, other than basically being a broken-down cripple. Jesse Ventura once tried to get the wrestlers to unionize simply because of some of the unfair working conditions the WWF had/has. Bret Hart has backed the idea himself. Ventura's take, as explained in his book "I Ain't Got Time To Bleed", was that "'this is not to fight Vince. This is about me and all the other wrestlers who have to pay four to five thousand a year for health care. If we're in a union, we can buy it in bulk and save a lot of money.' I went on to tell him all the reasons why unionizing would help us. But he argued and threatened, and we basically got nowhere." Ventura, however, eventually got his Union rights as an actor, joining the Screen Actors Guild, and to this day he still pays his Union dues so he can receive his health and retirement benefits.
The only downside to having wrestlers unionize is that it might make for some of the absolutely ridiculous salaries we're seeing in professional sports today. Granted, right now it's probably enough for The Rock to be making two million a year, plus royalties from videotapes, merchandise, and his own acting career. It's probably enough for Austin to be making the ten million a year from all his royalties on top of his two million/year salary. But are they worth, say, the value of Alex Rodriguez, who is making $252 million over a ten-year span? I DON'T THINK SO. Is he worth the value of a Bobby Abreu, who hit 30 HR's and stole 30 bases, batting .289 last year for the Phillies, who is now making $12 million per year for the next 5 years? I DON'T THINK SO.
So my message to the wrestlers....UNIONIZE.
Solidarity makes a difference. ALL OF US IS AS STRONG
AS NONE OF US.
Union strong, Union proud, STRONGER THAN DEATH,
Adam
Well, Wrestlemania 18 has come and gone....again. And I will admit it: When the original plans for WM came out, to say I was VERY disappointed would have been an understatement. Fact is, I figured it was shaping up to be the WORST WM since WM7. Man, I couldn't have been more wrong. It ended up being the best one since WM12.
The only reason I think it didn't fare better than my absolute favorites (8, 10, and 12) is because out of the 3 "big-time event" matches, only one was really worth watching, and even it had its faults. Let's examine.....
TRIPLE-H v JERICHO: Can we say "Boring"? The crowd
was so NOT into this match. You heard the cheers/boos
during entrances, but other than that, the crowd NEVER
made a sound until Steph was given the Pedigree, then
the crowd went silent again until after HHH won the
match. A complete waste. And the fact that the title
was basically handed to HHH on a platter to make his
"dream come true" coming back from the injury, just as
we saw Shawn Michaels' "boyhood dream" come true at
WM12, and with HBK's coming back from head injuries
then, to boot. Let's hear you all...."RIP-OFF!
RIP-OFF!"
HALL v AUSTIN: Another complete waste, and I'm not
saying that because of my disdain for Austin. I'm
saying it because it's true. The match was all Austin
from start to finish, not even giving Hall so much as
a chance to get one good shot in. Then Austin walks
away from it all after he wins. More on Austin in a
bit.
ROCK v HOGAN: The only one of the "big 3" worth
watching. Match lasted close to a half-hour, and
about half of it was spent listening to the crowd
cheer one, then the other, then hear the usual "Hogan
Sucks", with (surprise!) "Rocky Sucks". Exclude those
15 mintues, and you did indeed have a classic.
Thanks, guys.
Despite these faults, I give WM18 **** out of 4
possible. It was indeed entertaining, with a great
undercard, a well-done format, and the Undertaker
buried "The Fossil Boy" Ric Flair to keep up a perfect
record at Wrestlemanias.
AUSTIN SULKS
OK, back to Austin. We all know that the original
plan for Austin at WM was for him to lose to Hall,
then have the nWo come in and he fends them off.
Austin says no, and complains until he's got his way.
It's a lot like how, during his first two years as a
WWF champ, how he refused to put over his opponents
and would fight off anywhere between 2-3 up to a dozen
opponents off successfully. It's like Hogan refusing
to job throughout his entire wrestling CAREER. And
it's like the crybaby he's acted like since then.
After WM, he went home and has not shown up since
then.
My thoughts on this have gone in several directions.
Why has the WWF taken no action on Austin? Will
Austin return? What will happen to him should he
decide to return? And how will this affect the rest
of the WWF? Had this been in a "normal" working
environment, he would have been given his pink slip
and sent out the door at the first balk.
I post occasionally on a message board run by former
WCW Magazine writer Patty Therre. I totally agree
with her sentiments, when someone suggested that
Austin SHOULDN'T be punished for his holding out.
Patty's reply was, "Punished? No see, Austin is the
child here. He didn't come to Raw. And you think he
shouldn't be punished? Let me tell you, if I was the
owner of a company and an employee acted the way he
did, I don't care HOW good the employee was, he would
be fired. Sorry but Austin gets paid huge bucks to do
a job. That is all this is, a job. This isn't life or
death per se. It is acting, it is entertainment. What
if Jennifer Anniston on Friends didn't like the script
so she went home and they had to shoot the show around
her? And the shows were scripted to vbe centered
around her character? How long would anyone put up
with that? I think if Austin comes back, he dang well
should be punished. If the inmates run the asylum,
then kiss WWF goodbye, a la WCW." Well said, Patty!!!
If Austin cares anything about his wrestling career,
there's one person whom he should talk to regarding
this issue: Ric Flair. Now we all know that I don't
like Flair. We all know that the reason Flair has his
hair long, wears the glittering robes, and has those
women on his arm is so that he has an excuse to go
into the ladies' restroom (Thank you Harley Race!).
But Flair has been there, and done that. We all
remember the 4-5 months in 1998, when Flair was off
WCW TV (and I'll admit, with the exception of Bill
Goldberg, it was some of the best 4-5 months I enjoyed
watching WCW). Flair was promised a night off to see
his son Reid wrestle in Michigan, but was booked
despite that. Flair left anyway, and within 48 hours
was fired for "breach of contract". Flair
countersued, and the legal battles ensued until
September that year. If Austin needs advice here,
Flair is his man.
So Austin, wherever you are....cry a river, build a
bridge, and GET OVER IT!!!!
FAST FACTS
To finish up here, I thought it would be fun to
throw in some fast facts on the major titles in the
WWF. Some you may have known, some not. For
instance, did you know:
......that Triple-H is the 2nd "Grand Slam" winner in
the WWF (winning all 4 major titles), behind Shawn
Michaels?
......that Chris Jericho was the 3rd to "Grand Slam"?
......that NONE of the four titles has ever changed
hands via submission at Wrestlemania? The closest
ever was at WM14, when Shamrock put Rock in the
Anklelock and refused to break the hold, thus, Rock
kept the I-C title by reverse decision.
.......out of the "big 5" WWF pay-per views (Royal
Rumble, Wrestlemania, King of the Ring, Summerslam,
and Survivor Series), a major title was not turned
over via submission until Summerslam 1991? Bret Hart
won the I-C title by making Mr. Perfect tap out.
.......that Rock became the first to have 6 WWF World
Title reigns?
.......that Austin was the second? The previous
record for title reigns was 5, by Hulk Hogan and Bret
Hart.
.......that the WWF European title has changed hands
in Europe itself only 3 times? The British Bulldog,
Shawn Michaels, and Crash Holly have the winning
honors.
.......that 4 wrestlers have won the Tag belts the
most times with a different partner? An interesting
side note: each of them have had 4 different partners
when winning the belts. The 4? Austin, Undertaker,
Mick Foley, and Tony Garea.
.......that excluding Pat Patterson's win in Rio de
Janeiro, Brazil, the I-C title has changed hands
outside of the U.S. 7 times?
.......that the WWF World Title has changed hands in 2
countries outside the U.S? It's been done in Canada
and Japan.
Well, I'm off to Minneapolis to enjoy the National Union Industries Trade Show. Thanks for reading.
Have some coffee waiting for me at the state line,
Adam
You know, it's funny....I've written for this site
for over 3 years, and writing used to come so easy to
me. It was like the way Tony Gwynn would hit a
baseball, he made it look so easy. Or watching Joe
Montana throw a football. Almost effortless. So
after last month, when I was determined to sit back
and think of a specific item or two to focus on for
this month, I couldn't do it. Maybe it's writer's
block, or maybe it's cobwebs.....or maybe it's the
beer I had at the bar last night. Whatever the case,
here are some thoughts I've had in the course of the
month:
In 1999, baseball named its 100 Greatest ballplayers,
followed up by its All-Century Team. Football,
basketball, hockey, same thing. Why wasn't there
something like that for the WWF, or even pro
wrestling?
The new roster split sucks. Granted, the WWF is overcrowded and it became a necessity, but the wrestlers that were drafted to each show.....man. What's worse is that here in Iowa, you can't get Smackdown live unless you have a satellite TV or such; otherwise, you have to wait until it's finally broadcase around midnight Saturday or Sunday (I'm not sure which). But it's like, the only people on Raw that are worth watching are Trish Stratus, Brock Lesnar, Booker T, Mr. Perfect, the Undertaker, and the nWo. End of list.
By the way, Austin still sucks. I wish he'd have gone to Smackdown. For that matter, Flair should have gotten ownership of Smackdown, so I wouldn't have to deal with his carcass, too.
So, Hogan is once again the WWF World Champion. As a longtime "Hulkster" fan, I'm glad to see it happen, even if Hogan is the dinosaur he is. If nothing else, he will have the chance to leave on top, on Everest, the WWF. Much unlike when he was given a chance to leave, fading from view, on the Titanic, the then-dying WCW.
Some of the reunions held at Backlash were really fun to see. Watching the APA get back together, even if just for one night only, was worth watching. As was Brock Lesnar squashing the mosquito known as Jeff Hardy. As long as the WWF doesn't turn Brock into another "Old"-berg, I'll be fine.
The "At the Movies" segment on RAW for "The Scorpion King" featuring Booker T and Goldust was HILARIOUS!!! Tell the WWF writers to keep it going, and keep up the good work! And yes, I'll tell you...that I DID...just...say that.
I'm looking forward to seeing the Undertaker get his 10-years in the making rematch with Hogan at Judgment Day. If anyone doesn't remember, Undertaker beat Hogan for the WWF belt at Survivor Series 91, with help from...who else...the "Fossil Boy" Ric Flair. Seeing the "travesty" that had occurred, WWF President Jack Tunney declared a special Pay-Per-View called "Tuesday In Texas" where the main event was a WWF belt rematch. This time, Hogan beat Undertaker, when Flair's interference backfired. During the melee, Tunney (who was sitting at ringside) was KO'ed and missed it. After the match and Hogan declared the winner, Tunney declared the title vacant, with the winner of the 1992 Royal Rumble to be the WWF Champion. And we all know what happened there. So as long as history doesn't repeat itself....interference from Flair, McMahon, Austin, the nWo, or anyone.....I am excited about this bout.
By the way....what was the point of having the nWo out at the ringside during the Austin/Undertaker match at Backlash if they weren't going to do anything?
I'm STILL waiting for Stacy Keibler to return my phone call. Yeah, right. Hell will freeze over first.
As many thongs as Lita had in her bag when Paul Heyman was going through it....I almost wonder if my friend Sharon's friend Sarah has gotten together with Lita as far as fashion tips. They're both young, attractive women, and they both seemingly wear nothing but thongs under their shorts.
A question for the Undertaker: would it be possible to custom-build a motorcycle for my stepdad? And if so, how much would you charge? I think it would make for a nice birthday present.
To any moms out there, regardless of whether or not you're reading this, Happy Mother's Day. And to our veterans and those loved ones who aren't with us on earth, your memory lives on.
Finally....I'll be in Milwaukee to see the Padres/Brewers game over Memorial Day weekend. Someone call Gorman Thomas and tell him to fire up his grill at the stadium, and have a hot dog and a glass of MGD Lite ready for me after the 1st inning.
Taking myself out to the ball game,
Adam
by Adam (with special guest columnist Bob)
JUNE 2002: THE BROADCASTING ADVENTURES OF JACK AND
TEX, PART II
Thanks to all of you readers and Retro staff, for your thoughts and prayers regarding my auto accident in Milwaukee over the Memorial Day weekend. All is well, and doing better.
This column picks up where Bob from the "Novaks
Notebook" left off in our parody of a wrestling match.
If you missed Part I, click here
. In the
meantime, enjoy Part II.
*********************New section***********************
TEX: I just don't believe the carnage around here. It is truly amazing, kinda like a college frat house. Like we say here in the WWE, ya just don't know what's goin' to happen next.
*(In the ring Hogan and Undertaker start pulling each other's arms and legs off, beating each other with them. Rock is still on the ramp, on his hands and knees trying to grab up all of his cue cards. Hall is in the crowd, beating up the scared beer vendors and taking their trays away. Austin is MIA, and Rikishi is looking for his better half. With everything going on, it is little wonder nobody notices X-Pac jumping into the ring, still wearing Kane's mask.)*
JACK: Hey, I think something just happened in the ring *(dropping his Playboy)*....it's X-Pac???
*(X-Pac goes over and attacks Hogan, but Hogan doesn't notice. Then X-Pac runs over and attacks Undertaker, but he doesn't notice either. Earl Hebner notices however, and tries to rip Kane's mask off the runt. X-Pac is heard screaming in pain)*
TEX: Why can't Earl get the mask off?
JACK: Yeah, with all the grease on his face you'd think it would fall off. Or maybe it's stuck to all the pimples on his face.
*(Finally as Earl gives up trying to get the mask off, Abdullah the Butcher runs out and stabs X-Pac in the eyes with a fork, sending the whole crowd into a wild cheering frenzy. It is the most touching scene Abdullah has ever had in his 50 year wrestling career, and is so touched it drops over, having a heart attack right there in the ring. Neither Hogan nor Undertaker notice, since they are both still trying to fight out of a corner.)*
JACK: Oh my, this is the most excitement I have had since my last blind date, let me tell you.
TEX: Only the WWF, I mean the WWWF, oops, I really mean the WWE can entertain people like we do.
JACK: Dammit, there you go again! You're going to get us sued and we'll lose our jobs! Now watch it or I'm gonna stand up and smack you over the headset with this chair!
TEX: Now, there's no need for.....wait a minute, look at Hogan and Undertaker putting on a test of strength in the corner over there.
JACK: I think they're trying to work on their arthritis there, Tex.
*(Suddenly everyone's eyes look upwards, since the match is so boring, and they see the great one...Sting, repelling down from a helicopter, as the dome opens up, and he is fast approaching the ring.)*
JACK: Oh, god...what's THIS poser doing here? I thought he retired!
*(Rockets and bombs go off in every direction as the Dudley Boys make their way down the ramp, with Stacy Keibler in tow. The Boys are dive into the ring to intercept Sting while Stacy quietly pulls up a chair next to Jack)*
TEX: Hey! How come she gets to sit next to you!
JACK: Uh, Tex, you might want to look at the ring....
*(in the ring, the Dudleys have double-teamed Sting and toss him into a corner, performing a Stinger Splash on the man himself. Then Sting Scorpion Death-Drops Buh Buh, then Drops D-Von)*
STING: *(screaming)* STINGER! GET THE TABLES!!! *(he ducks out of the ring and grabs two tables from under the ring)*
TEX: I don't believe it! Sting is actually going to put the Dudleys through tables!! What do you think of this, Jack? *(no answer)* Jack? *(still no answer)* JACK? *(looks over to see Stacy straddled on Jack's lap, making out with him)* HEY! This is public TV, you know, Jack!
JACK: *(looks over, slightly agitated, while Stacy continues kissing)* Hey, if you had this type of girl sitting in your lap, what would you be doing???
*(In the ring, Sting is heading out of the ring to get the tables, while the Dudleys are trying to recover. Hogan and the Undertaker are trying to put their body parts back together. Sting gets back into the ring with the tables, but forgets he's still attached to the helicopter. The helicopter goes and takes off, with Sting still attached. He flies off with the helicopter, and smacks right off the top of the dome and into the night, never to be seen again.)*
TEX: I ain't never seen nothin' like that, how about you, Jack?
JACK: *(eyes wide open as Stacy starts to reveal some interesting assets)* I ain't seen nothing like that either!!!
TEX: Good, glad ta see you're back in the game here.
*(Just as Tex was about to describe the non-action in the ring, a loud "WOOO!!" come over the PA system, and the one and only Nature Boy strolls down to the ring.)*
TEX: Look out, it's the dirtiest player in the game. It looks like hes wearing a half a suit, and some ridiculous looking boxers.
JACK: You know, that nickname, Dirtiest Player, fits Flair perfectly. I don't even want to know when the last time he had a VD checkup.
*(The Nature Boy gets in the ring, and promptly chops the Dudleys. Buh-Buh sells it so well, the medics come down to ring side. Flair goes over to Undertaker and Hogan and chops them. Hogan forgets where he is in the match and starts to Hulk Up, and hits Flair. Really hits Flair. Flair's jaw gets smacked to the side, and something flies out of his mouth.)*
JACK: *(semi-paying attention, while Stacy is busy with Jack)* Hey, what was that coming out of the Nature Girl's mouth??
TEX: I think it was his teeth.
JACK: What? His what?
*(Before Tex can answer, X-Pac, who can't see and nobody knew was still in the ring anyway, runs over to the corner to do his Bronco Buster on D-Von, but slips on the teeth, sending him flying out of the ring. On the floor, he is seen writhing around, screaming in pain, because the teeth bit down on took off his toes through his boot.)*
JACK: Well, that's something you don't see everyday.
TEX: That may make the slam of the night. In the ring though, you have a fatal fourway with Hogan, Flair, Abdullah and Undertaker going at in the corner.
JACK: Uhhhh, Abdullah hasn't moved for awhile there, Tex. I don't think he's in this match anymore.
TEX: You just go back to playin' with Stacy. I know Abduallah hasn't moved, which is why I called it a fatal fourway.
JACK: Right. *(Suddenly, Jack looks skyward.)* Hey, who's that up at the top of the building? Oh my God! It can't be, but I think it is!
TEX: I think you're right! Its.......
*(a figure swantons from the top of the dome right onto Abdullah, who spews out a large amount of venom from the mouth. Covered from head to toe, just like Macho Man and Undertaker from Rikishi earlier, is Matt Hardy)*
JACK: Oh, jeez...it's Doofuses R Us, the Hardyz.
*(Lita runs out to join the Boyz)*
*("No Chance in Hell" blares over the loudspeakers as Vince McMahon runs down the aisleway and immediately goes for Flair. Hogan has turned his attention to the Macho Man, and Undertaker is trading punches with Rock. The Dudleys are exchanging it with Rikishi and Abdullah, while Hall and X-Pac look around before deciding to beat upon the Hardyz. Kurt Angle, Edge,and RVD run out and try to get in the match, but Vince runs over and tells them it isn't their turn yet. They have to wait until the ones without any talent get their shots first. They all hit McMahon at the same time, then turn on each other.)*
LITA: *(to Stacy)* Hey, that's MY date for tonight! What are YOU doing here, you tramp?
STACY: Hey, I saw him first! *(shoves Lita. The two start grappling on the announcers' table)*
JACK: How about this, Tex! This is MY fantasy come true! All we're missing now is every WWE Diva out here to fight over who gets to go out with me tonight!
TEX: *(looks over at Jack)* Well, aren't you the lucky one?
*(Suddenly more music hits, but the man cuing the music doesn't know who's coming out, so HHH, Chris Jericho, and D'Lo Brown come down to the ring.)*
JACK: *(tearing his eyes away from the girls wrestling in front of him)* What's going on with these clowns, and who's the one with the twitch?
TEX: I think it's D'Lo, but we haven't seen him for awhile.
JACK: Did anyone really miss him? I know I didn't. Look at that! *(pointing. Chris Jericho hits the ring and promptly tries to low blow both Hogan and Undertaker, but comes up shaking his hand.)* He discovered the bionic privates of the two legends.
TEX: Well, isn't that just peachy keen. What's HHH doin'?
*(HHH goes under the ring, but doesn't see what he's looking for. Goes to the other side, and still doesn't see it. Goes to the front row and looks over the railing, and still doesn't see it. Finally looks at the big fat guy in the third row munching his nachos and waving hysterically at the camera, shoves him down and reaches into the mans sweats.)*
TEX: I didn't know HHH swung that way? Did you?
JACK: No, never swung that way. I thought YOU were the switch-hitter here!!!
TEX: Look what he found in dem der pants!!!!
*(HHH pulls out a sledgehammer, and wipes off stains. He starts swinging it much to the crowds delite, but as he's about to enter the ring, more music hits. It scares him so bad that he drops the heavy tool on his right foot. HHH screams, hopping around, holding his injured foot. The fans at ringside start to do so as well)*
JACK: Looks like HHH taught them a new dance step, huh? *(music continues)* OH MY GOD!!! It's the Ultimate Warrior!
*(The Ultimate Warrior runs out, runs around the ring, pumping his fist wildly in the air and climbs up the ring charging at HHH. He clotheslines HHH and gorilla presses him, slams him down, and runs out of the ring. He runs over to where Howard Finkel is sitting, and collapses in front of him. The Fink quickly reaches under his chair and grabs the oxygen he always has on hand, and turns in on for Ultimate Warrior.)*
TEX: Wow, that was faster than a frog on a hotplate. He did his damage, though.
JACK: Hey, check what's going on now.
TEX: Business has certainly picked up, if D'Lo would stop that head shaking and makin' everyone sick.
JACK: No not there! Right in front of us, you half-wit! Look at the girls, and I think there's some spillage!
*(The girls in front of Jack and Tex are rolling around ripping each other's clothing off, tearing and scratching at each other. Jack and Tex stop what they're doing and focus on the girls for one minute.)*
TEX: Are you sure they know who you are? They don't have you mixed up with someone else, do they?
JACK: Believe me, I promised one date with EACH WWE diva, at one point or another.
TEX: Well, I'd like to believe you, but just by lookin' at you, and then lookin' at those fine young things...just findin' it hard to swallow...
JACK: I didn't say nuthin' about swallowin'.....
TEX: OK...on that note back to the action. I think the Warrior was trying to speak, or gargle or something.
*(Warrior, now back in the action, tosses a dizzy D'Lo onto the announcer's table, meanwhile Mike Awesome sneaks into the ring and tries to jump the Warrior from behind, only to fall into the trap door in the ring, never to be seen again.)*
JACK: HEY! It's that D'Lo jerk who ruined my chances of ever BEING a pro wrestler! Hold this guy up, Tex...I'm gonna teach him who the REAL WWE champ should be!
*(Tex holds up D'Lo. Jack cocks, and as he fires, D'Lo ducks, and Jack punches Tex square in the face)*
TEX: YOU JERK!
*(Tex begins to strangle Jack. Jack headlocks him into a DDT, allowing the table to collapse. Tex pops up and applies the Mandible Claw onto Jack, who passes out within seconds. Tex hops back at the remenants of the table)*
TEX: Sorry for the delay folks, we've been experiencing some technical difficulties...
*(Trish Stratus sprints down past the still-fighting Stacy and Lita and mounts Jack, beginning to perform mouth-to-mouth resusitation. Jack quickly comes to, and wraps his arms around Trish as they engage in a rather long lip-lock.)*
TEX: Jack? JACK! We need you up here!
*(no reply as Jack and Trish continue kissing. As they release the lip-lock, they smile at each other. Suddenly, Lita and Stacy, no longer fighting, each grab a handful of Trish's hair and pull her off Jack, and the three women grapple.)*
JACK: *(somewhat delerious)* Huh? Where am I? *(looks over at Tex)* YOU BASTARD!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!
*(Jack spears Tex and begins to strangle him, as Austin's music blares once again. Austin, with an air patch over the hole in the back of his head, re-joins the action.)*
TEX: *(gasping)* Wait a minute you idiot! I think Stone Cold has come back!!
JACK: Don't...care...just...need...to...stop...you! The...voices...have...commanded...me!!
TEX: *(still gasping)* Those aren't voices, you...those are those three women over there rasslin' half naked. Wait a minute! *(Jack releases Tex)* Why is everyone looking up in the sky?
*(The whole crowd, turned off by the two commentators wrestling, look around elsewhere, and see two figures standing near the top of the dome. Both look ready to jump.)*
TEX: It's New Jack and Sabu!! Oh my God, there is going to be carnage tonight.
JACK: Why is New Jack already bleeding profusely?
TEX: He's always bleeding. But wait, there's two other guys up there attacking New Jack and Sabu. It's, wait...I can't believe it...it's Terry Funk and Mick Foley.
JACK: I thought Al Snow stole Foley's head! Why does he have duct tape all around him?
TEX: He's one tough son of a gun, that's fer sure. Probably duct tape is only thing holdin' him together. Look, they jumped New Jack and Sabu from behind.
*(No one is looking in the ring at all, and watching everything up top. Stone Cold went into the ring and stunned everyone, beat up the timekeeper, stunned the Spanish Announce table, and half the first row, but with the action going on up top, nobody noticed. He's starting to feel like X-Pac and sits in the middle of the ring and starts to cry, because he didn't get his way.)*
JACK: Look out! They're falling! Everyone run!!!
*(The four men fall from the top of the building, but as they're falling, Kane has come out to attack Stone Cold, he raises his arms and unleashes his pyro, just as the four men plummeting to the ground reach the ring, and the pyro cooks three of them. Mick Foley fell outside the ring, and wiped out the Spanish announce table)*
TEX: Damn, I'm glad I don't speak a lick of Spanish.
JACK: You know, it's a miracle we haven't been sued for being racist. How many times this month has that table been wiped out?
TEX: More times than I can count.
JACK: Since you can only count to ten anyone, that ain't sayin' much. Hey, look in the ring! I think something is going on!
TEX: How can you tell?
*(At that moment, Chris Benoit hits the ring, and snatches Kane from behind, delivering 37 Belly-to-back suplexes, until Kane's head snaps off. Benoit delivers a few more after that, just to be sure.)*
JACK: Wow, I bet that hurt.
*(Al Snow's music hits once again, and he slides under the bottom rope and steals Kane's head, takes it and starts shaking it above his head, and runs out of the ring)*
*(As Benoit parades around a still crying Stone Cold, more music hits...nobody knows whose it is, until the word "Freak" is mentioned. Out jumps Scott Steiner, and starts posing for everyone. He starts to flex his bicep, only to have it fall off. He flexes his other arm, only to have that one fall off. He tries to walk down the ramp, only to have his legs fall off in succession.)*
TEX: Well, that was impressive. Look, one of the Spanish guys is still moving.
*(As soon as Tex mutters that, Shane McMahon jumps out of the crowd, runs into the crowd, and makes his way to the second balcony, where he promptly jumps off, and lands on the last remaining Spanish announcer.)*
JACK: Holy friholies.
*(In the ring, Stone Cold still cries as if there's no tomorrow. Hall, with a hammer and chisel, finally gets Kane's mask off X-Pac, who now gets Austin's attention.)*
X-PAC: *(to Austin)* Hey, man, don't take it so hard. They do the same thing to me, and what do I get out of it?
AUSTIN: *(sniffling)* You said it, man. How about we blow this place and go get a beer?
X-PAC: Yeah! Let's go!
*(At that moment, Kevin Nash comes from the back, once he hears about beer. He gets in the ring, and HHH runs up to him, and wants to shake his hand. Nash, forgetting where he is, falls down expecting to be pinned. HHH gets him up and tries to talk to his old buddy, but Nash gets mad, because HHH is stopping him from going to get beer, and tosses HHH over the top rope onto the concrete. Nash steps over the top rope and starts to leave with Austin and X-Pac.)*
HALL: Hey guys! Wait for me! *(chases after the men. Austin's AA group chases after Hall.)*
TEX: Well, it's nice to see that they're all friends again.
*(Yet more music hits, as Enter the Sandman starts, and the Sandman comes out to the thrill of the crowd. He starts pounding beer cans against his head, after he finishes drinking them all. He goes around the entire arena, and keeps drinking as much beer as he can find left.)*
A SHRILLY VOICE: Hunter!!!!!
JACK: Oh no...is it?
TEX: Yep, I think it's Stephanie. And look! She done gone and got herself another boob job.
*(Stephanie tries to run to ring side to aid HHH, but she is so top-heavy, they keep bouncing up and smacking her in the face. Finally, she can't see anymore due to the swelling, and runs right into the barrier, and flips over into the lap of some lucky fan)*
JACK: Hey! She was supposed to be MY OTHER date later tonight!
TEX: Oh will you just stop.
*(Stephanie tries to get up, but she is so top-heavy, she doesn't have the arm strength to lift herself anymore, so she just starts crying in the young man's lap, while he goes cross-eyed from the attention)*
*(Lex Luger comes into the entryway and begins to flex. As he does, his biceps explode, emitting a crystal-clear liquid into all directions)*
HOGAN: *(laps a drop of the liquid that spilled onto his hand)* Hey Lexxy, I see you've been taking the 'roids, too! You got any more back in the back, brother?
LEX: Sorry! That was my last syringe! *(his arms are now shriveled to the size of twigs)* Hey, what's that in your pocket?
HOGAN: NO!!!!
*(Luger pulls out a small bottle of liquid. Hogan lays out Luger with one punch. Camera focuses on the bottle, reading the label ROGAINE. Hogan reaches for it, but Macho Man starts fighting with Hogan once again. Brock Lesnar struts out.)*
JACK: Hey Tex, if you're so into guys, how would THIS guy shape up to be your date tomorrow night?
*(Meanwhile, Sandman is going for the record of longest entrance ever in professional wrestling, as he is completely drunk, but still walking around outside, crushing beer cans against his head, while the dumber fans shriek with glee at getting covered by beer.)*
TEX: Why don't you worry about those three over there? *(points to the still-fighting Trish, Stacy, and Lita)*
*(Brock is in the ring, clears everyone out, and starts twitching as only Brock Lesnar can. War drums blast over the PA system.)*
JACK: Oh, no...I thought this guy was done with wrestling all together! There is no God!!!
*(Bill Goldberg power-walks down the ramp and jumps into the ring. Everyone in the crowd starts a chant, but instead of Goldberg, they chant who...because they forget who in the blue hell Goldberg is. Lesnar's jaw drops as he realizes where his gimmick has come from.)*
JACK: Lesnar is now face-to-face with Goldberg, and I think he done went and wet his pants.
TEX: Is THAT what that puddle at Brock's boots is? Ewww, I'm never going swimming again!!!
*(With only Lesnar and Goldberg standing toe-to-toe in the ring, the crowd goes crazy. Not a single body of the remaining 21 participants stirs, except for the 3 grappling ladies up the ramp, the Hardy's who try and do a daredevil stunt from the top of the ramp only to wipe out the entire security force in the process, and the Sandman who hasn't entered the ring)
JACK: And I think we're gonna have something happen just about now! Can you feel the tension between these two?
TEX: I think that's just one of them breaking wind there, Jack.
JACK: Still the tension is unbelievable...you can just feel it building, and building, and building!!!!!
TEX: Oh will you get out from under there! *(And with that, Tex grabs Molly Holly by the hair and pulls her out from under the announce table)*
*(Just then, a fan wearing a ski mask jumps out of the stands and smacks Goldberg with a Stop sign. Goldberg turn around and spears the fan. He pulls off the mask to reveal it is none other than Lodi. Goldberg begins to twitch.)*
JACK: Oh jeez...there he goes again with that stupid face trick again...
*(Sparks begin to fly out of Goldberg's neck. Lesnar is completely in awe. Suddenly, Goldberg's face explodes, showing a robotic face, who then implodes, smoke rising from the body, who then collapses. Lesnar runs away screaming for his mommy.)*
TEX: Now THAT was a neat trick!!!
JACK: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'll be right back!!! *(runs up the ramp)*
TEX: I don't know what that was about, but Lord knows....
JACK: *(runs back down the ramp holding a piece of paper and starts speaking into a microphone)* Ladies and gentlemen, I just realized that I still have my official referee's license with me, and it does not expire until midnight tonight. The time is now...*(checks watch)* 11:58!
*(Jack drops the microphone and says something to Earl Hebner. Hebner starts to pull off his referee's shirt.)*
TEX: Oh, my God....and I had such hope that Jack was
a straight shooter! What was I think---
*(Earl gets the shirt off and tosses it to Jack, who
puts it on over his sport coat. Hebner then covers
the remenants of Goldberg. Jack drops into the ref's
position.)*
JACK: *(making the count)* 1....2....3!!! *(signals for bell)*
HOWARD FINKEL: THE WINNER OF THIS BOUT...AND...NEW...WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION....EARL HEBNER!!!
*(Jack takes off the shirt, tosses it to Hebner, and re-joins Tex at the booth.)*
SANDMAN: Hey, I never got my shot? Whassup wit' dat?
HURRICANE HELMS: *(jumps out from the crowd)* Hey, that's MY line! *(starts a fight with Sandman)*
TEX: I can't believe it. Only YOU would stoop to something that low and ruin the integrity of the WWE World title. The next thing ya know, ya'll have some damn celebrity come out and be champ. This is pretty lame ya know.
JACK: There's nothing wrong with it. All it did was give someone else a chance to hold the belt. Now if you'll excuse me...
*(Jack gets up to leave. He steps over a still-out cold Molly Holly, walks past a still-sobbing Stephanie, and past the still-grappling Trish, Lita, and Stacy. Stopping at the runway, he is met by Mrs. Rattlesnake herself, Debra.)*
DEBRA: So, Jack, are you ready for our date tonight?
JACK: Sure! But isn't Steve going to be a bit upset with you?
DEBRA: Who cares about Steve? He'll be so drunk at night's end, he won't know where he's at! Besides, when I try to talk to him, all he'll say is "WHAT?...WHAT?...WHAT?" Gawd, that gets so annoying! *(jumps into Jack's arms)* You're my man tonight! And maybe you'll leave me breathless, in a different way.
JACK: You want me to give you CPR? OK, then, let's go! *(carries Debra up the ramp and off to the back)*
TEX: Uhhh.....for the first time tonight, folks, I'm speechless!! Until next time, when we have even a bigger match, that was Jack Dade, and I'm Tex "Axehandle" Hopper, saying, we'll see you again!
*******************************************************
Thanks for reading,
Adam
Well, to say I've got a few things on my mind would
be a serious understatement, cause there's plenty.
First, my sincere condolensces are sent out to the
family and friends of Davey Boy Smith, who passed away
in May. Second, even though he wasn't in wrestling,
my condolensces are sent out to baseball pitcher
Darryl Kile, who passed away in mid-June. To both
men: thank you for the memories, thank you for what
you gave the fans, and thank you for stopping by.
AUSTIN
I really don't want to spend a lot of time on this, because I think we all know what happened here with this, and where I'm going to go with this. We all know what happened with Austin. We all know he walked out, and more or less killed his career and future with the WWE. Then we all got the sickening....hell, it was just plain SHOCKING, news from San Antonio that Friday night/Saturday morning. Then to have a helicopter follow Austin home a la O.J. Simpson some ten years earlier. There is no justification for the man, what he did to his company, to his career, to his fans, or certainly to his wife. I am in no way, shape, or form, approving of Austin, nor am I defending him. I know I have been one of his most vocal critics on this site. Bob Ryder said it best when he said that "it takes a special kind of coward to beat up a woman". The fact that Debra is willing to try to make amends with Austin and work things out with him does indeed sadden me. It has been said that this has happened on several instances before. Flat out, they BOTH need help. Austin for physical abuse and alcoholism. Debra to see that she does NOT need to be around this kind of problem. Whatever the case....and I never thought I'd be saying this, but....Stone Cold, good luck.
WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?
Let's see, Austin is now gone. So what does that
mean as far as me and The Hitman's Icon? Does that
mean I'm gone? I'm hanging it up? I'm calling it a
career?
*(someone in the back yells "I sure hope so!" Adam
jumps off his box of Ultra-Color Cheer and hurls it at
the heckler)*
No, I'm not.
Every year, as February draws close, I sit down and
ask myself if I want to write for the Retro for
another year. I've been here since February 1999, and
I've enjoyed almost every moment of it. Sure, I go
through burnout and need a break every now and then.
Doesn't mean I'm leaving. No, I committed myself to a
full year this past February, so I will still be
around for a while. Or at least until I run out of
things to say or things I want to write about.
But with Austin, my own #1 nemesis in wrestling now gone, who do I pick on now? I've gotta think about this one. Let's see....
FLAIR? The Nature Girl? The Dirtiest Player in the Game (and I don't wanna know when his last VD checkup was)? The Fossil Boy should have stayed buried in whatever grave WCW buried him in when they sold to Vince McMahon. Yeah, I'll still pick on Flair, for as long as he's here.
ANGLE? Huh? Pick on MY Olympic American Hero? Come on, what gives you that idea? Lemme tell you what I think of Angle. HIT THE MUSIC! *(Angle's music hits. Where the fans normally chant "You suck", Adam chants in place at the top of his lungs)* "YOU RULE! YOU RULE! YOU RULE! YOU RULE! YOU RULE!" OK, cut the damn music! *(needle scratches across record)*
HOGAN? Yeah, the guy should have retired, too. But I got no beef with Hogan. Forget it.
RVD? Real Venerial Disease? OK, two things: 1, he's a hell of a lot better wrestler than Austin ever was/will be, and 2, yes, he IS annoying, but at least he's tolerable. Put him on the "maybe" list.
BROCK? They're turning him into Goldberg. I'll take "What is something I don't want to see" for 800, Alex. But no, Brock will sell matches, at least.
GOLDBERG? Can we say "boring"? WWE does NOT need Goldie-locks. Why would you sign someone who's all but admitted they were in it for the money and fame rather than the sport itself? It's a waste of money and time. Forget it.
And my final word to Austin fans: You can stop the "WHAT" bull$#@t....HE'S GONE!!! There's no point to it anymore.
BRET
We've all pretty much gotten the word that Bret Hart suffered a stroke that affected the left side of his body while he was riding his bike. From all accounts, he'll have to re-learn to use his left arm and leg. Fortunately, his speech and memory do not seem to be affected. Bret, you have been my favorite wrestler for as long as I've ACTIVELY watched wrestling (since January 1996). Through thick and thin, I've stuck by you, just as you have your fans. You've been through hell and back in a career, and there's nothing you haven't beaten before. YOU'LL WHIP THIS, CHAMP. I'm saying a prayer for you.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I've gotten a few more e-mails from fans/readers
asking how I've been doing since May.
My Grand Am was, in fact, declared totalled. I've
gotten a new car, and everything is running just fine.
Myself, no injuries (other than scratches/cuts I've
gotten from work).
I was able to return to Wisconsin and enjoyed a
concert performed by Sammy Hagar and David Lee Roth.
My only regret was that they wouldn't come out and do
a duet of "Jump" (Dave did it as his encore). Then
again, since they're only speaking to each other for
business purposes, it's understandable.
I will be in Chicago from July 4-7 to enjoy the
White Sox/Indians game July 5, in the left-field
bleachers, about 3 rows back. Watch for me on
Sportscenter, or on WGN (if available)!
And finally, I will be taking the month of August off, when I visit family in the Kansas City area.
Waiting to call 1-800-SAM-5150,
Adam
I really needed the month of August off. Now that I'm refreshed, I'm glad I got a good vacation, got my flight to the Los Angeles area reserved/bought for December 5-8, and have the other necessities taken care of.
Since then, I've had a few things come to mind. Let's see, where to start....
*Booker T and Goldust HAVE to be the most hilarious duo in the WWE right now. Booker being the straight shooter and Goldust the buffoon, it's classic comedy. I think if they quit wrestling today, they could be a hit on the comedy circuit (right Tammy?).
*I'm writing this column about 4-5 hours prior to Summerslam. Laugh at me now or hate me now, but I predict Brock Lesnar will win the belt from Rock, then "injure" Rock so that Rock may pursue his next movie role. Then we'll get bored to death as Brock becomes the next mammoth since Bigfoot's idiot half-brother "Old-berg".
*Speaking of "Goldie-locks", I'm in no hurry whatsoever to see him back. He'd do the whole world a favor if he stays out of wrestling for good.
*The same goes for "Flexxy Lexxy", whose ego is bigger than his muscles.
*My brother's heart is broken, with the WWE releasing X-Pac, even though Sean himself asked for it. It's sad to see a man as young as he is (30) without a job, when his career should be at his peak. Case in point: Buff Bagwell. Whatever the case, good luck to both of them. At least they weren't cut from their jobs like they did in the airline industry, or at my refrigeration plant.
*I met up with the man who was my best friend in high school during my vacation. I'm glad to say that we've patched up the differences we had in the last 2 years, and that we're back on speaking terms again. It's good to see that just about everyone will grow up, in due time. Now if only Mom can get Justin at work to do that......
*I've got a girlfriend, have for 2 months now. Trouble is, I still haven't had my calls returned from Stacy Keibler or Trish Stratus. *(scoffs)* Yeah, right. Monkeys will fly out of my ass before I get their numbers. Now how do I like THEM apples?
*My Summerslam prediction: TONIGHT IS H-B-K's FINAL MATCH. I think we're gonna see some Sweet Chin Music break the snout of "Cripple-H".
*I've missed seeing new columns from Verly Girl and Tammy. Hey, nothing wrong with writer's block, cause Lord knows I get it, too. I'm not complaining. Just waiting, patiently.
*Nice to see that the Bisch is back...IN BLACK...on wrestling programming. Now if I could only get Smackdown here in Iowa. Oh, and Heather....aren't you glad that I DIDN'T ruin THIS return?
*And for the record, I hope that Flair gets buried and this time STAYS in his grave. Does the WWE have to cremate the dinosaur to get him to stay out of the wrestling business?
*I'd personally like to see Kurt Angle win another World title before he heads to Athens.
Well, that's about it. Now I'm off to see Summerslam, and then maybe some karaoke. After that, well, maybe I'll get to relax before December.
People are strange When you're a stranger....
Adam
This month, rather than spit out what you've already heard me say or wait for you to tell me what I'm thinking, I decided to interview the Retro Webmistress herself, Karma. Aside from the obvious, there were some questions that even I had always wondered. So, grab your Coke-bottle lenses, crack open a cold one, and enjoy!
1. What was the origin of the Retro?
We had gotten a computer back in '98, and my daughter
started her own website (not wrestling related) and I
asked her to show me how to set one up. She did, and
I started Karma's Wrestling Retro. She is not the
worlds most patient teacher, most of the html I
learned by trial and error, and the site was only a
few pages long at first.
2. Who were your first columnists?
Pandora has been with me since the beginning, myself,
my pal Chele, and Margo (who I wish would start up
again!).
3. Did any websites inspire you to start the Retro,
and what were they?
I noticed mostly guys ran the wrestling sites, then I
remembered going over to Loco's site (not sure if its
still up) and also Rowdy Girl's site, so I decided to
do my own. Loco had some great wrestling shots with
the guys! [ADAM'S NOTE: Loco's site has since
disappeared, though RowdyGirl's is still running
despite no updates since April 2001.]
4. How long have you been a fan?
Since 1991
5. What was your favorite match that you've ever
seen?
Piper vs Bret Hart, WM 8
6. You're a Roddy Piper fan. If he were still
active, how would he fare against some of today's
stars?
Honestly, he wouldn't. If he were back in the
sport, I'd rather see him in a managerial position or
commissioner, etc. With one artificial hip and all
the other hits he's taken over the years, I'd cringe
seeing him in the ring. He'd never make it against
the powerful likes of Lesnar or high flyers like Van
Dam. Tho I still wouldn't want to piss him off!
7. If you could start your own wrestling federation
right now, give me 10 wrestlers you'd want on your
roster.
For ability, Jericho, Benoit, Mysterio, Angle. For
power, Lesnar, Big Show, Triple H. For show, Flair,
HBK, and to draw them in, Goldberg (why that is, I
don't know!).
8. If you ran the WWE for one day, what would you do?
Get rid of the lesbians, and some of the idiot
storylines. Bring back the original nWo, and make em
behave this time. They were great in their day!
9. Book me a match you'd like to see right now.
Brock vs Goldberg, to show a REAL wrestler against a
SHOW wrestler.
10. You're in charge...pick your champion.
Brock, of course.
11. Heck, book me an entire wrestling card you'd want
to see.
Thats not easy for me, lets see...:
RVD vs Edge
Kurt Angle vs Brock Lesnar (both know their wrestling,
for sure)
HBK vs Triple H
Chris Benoit vs Rey Mysterio
Lance Storm vs Stevie Richards
As you can see, instead of alot of showboating crap, I
prefer to watch actual wrestling!
12. Other than WWE, why do you think it is that other
federations can't seem to stay afloat?
Probably not enough cash to compete. Too many
druggies, too many roids, unhealthy wrestlers, for
example, Scott Steiner. Can't get thru a match
without having to be iced down.
13. With most of your favorites from the past being
gone, who are your favorites now?
Brock Lesnar(Love his tats), Eddie Guerrero, Chris
Benoit, Kurt Angle, RVD, and always, Taker.
14. You've made some additions to the Retro that are
non-wrestling related. Would you tell me a bit about
them?
I decided to diversify, I like alot of things besides
wrestling..Tats, bikers, they go hand in hand with
wrestling.
15. What is the best thing, and the worst thing,
about running the Retro?
The best thing is the new contacts, seeing who shows
up, the worst thing is the constant upkeep and the
expense.
16. What is your favorite memory of anything that's
happened at the Retro?
I asked Lance Storm for permission to use some of his
info, he wrote back and said yes!
17. Ever had any glitches or trouble?
Tripod had a glitch and shut down the site for a few
days, and I exceeded my bandwidth and had to start
paying to keep the site going.
18. You've got quite the cast of characters for your
columnists. Tell me something about each of them.
Well,lets start with you, Adam! You put your heart
and soul into your columns, you have definate
opinions, and often humorous.
Bob-writer of Novaks Notebook, very articulate, knows
his wrestling.
Pandora-innovative, retrospective.
Heather-wise for her age, has a prospective
journalistic career ahead of her.
Tammy-colorful, funny.
Verlygirl-too quiet lately! But puts her heart into
her offerings.
19. Ever had any wrestlers visit the site, and if so,
what is their overall impression of the Retro?
Lots of Indy fed wrestlers, who asked me to add them
to my Indy Feds/Wrestlers page, and I think Lance
Storm checked it out, he seemed to like it. If anyone
else showed up,they didn't tell me!
20. Let's play a little word association here:
Vince McMahon: BIG CASH, no scruples
Stephanie McMahon: more intelligent than she lets on
Eric Bischoff: conniver, talker
Ric Flair: old
Steve Austin: has been
Undertaker: power, getting old tho
HHH: Cro-Magnon man, power
Roddy Piper: come back!
Hulk Hogan: go away!
Bret Hart: damn shame
Shawn Michaels: changed man
Rob Van Dam: more to come
Brock Lesnar: POWER
Booker T: love the hair
The Rock: has been
Bill Goldberg:over rated
21. What do you forsee in the future for the Retro?
Just to keep it going, and not let it get stale.
22. Any comments to your fans?
Fans? I don't think I have any of those, just regular
readers, and to please keep visiting!
23. Any comments to your critics?
You try it.
24. And last words, in general?
Thank you,Adam, for continuing to support the Retro
with your columns, tributes, autographs and other
contributions over the years, I very much appreciate
it!
Thank you to Karma for allowing me the time to interview her. Everyone else....catch ya next time around the bend.
Revvin' the ZX2,
Adam
The one and only
Adam B!
BROKEN HARTS: The Life and Death of Owen Hart by Adam (aka Hitman 97)
NOTE: All views, comments, and opinions (unless otherwise noted) are Adam's, and do not necessarily reflect those of this site.
May 23, 1999, was a night most WWF wrestling fans will never forget, as I won't. I recall working the night shift at work, and around 3am, we got our local morning papers, hot off the presses. I immediately turned to the sports section, and on the inside page was the headline "Wrestler Dies In Fall". Scanning the article, and noticed it was Owen Hart. My heart sank as I ran outside to stop my best friend Jesse, whom I just missed as he left. Calling his place, I left a message to let him know. 10 minutes later, he called back, as we both didn't know what to do regarding the loss of one of our favorite wrestlers. At home later that morning, the story was plastered all over the news, as the details became more apparent. Jesse came over that night, and we watched the RAW show that was the tribute to Owen, before we stuck in my video of Wrestlemania 10 and watched the Owen vs Bret Hart match, arguably Owen's best match, as our own tribute to our fallen hero.
Later that week, my wife and I drove from our home near Iowa City, Iowa, to my Mom's home in southwestern Missouri. With construction on the byway that I normally take for the drive, part of the alternate driving route required me to follow I-35 to US Highway 71, which I would be driving past Kemper Arena itself, where, 4 days earlier, Owen had lost his life. I recall that same hollow feeling I'd had that night, now resurfacing as I drove past Kemper. But more on my reflections later.
In 2002, Owen's widow Martha published a book entitled "Broken Harts: The Life and Death of Owen Hart". It was released immediately in their native Canada, but just released in 2004 in the United States. I grabbed a copy of it on Labor Day '04 weekend, and could not put it down.
The first chapter recalls Owen's last night at home with Martha and their children, Oje and Athena, and the activities they did that night that Martha now treasures forever. The book then goes on to talk about Owen's life as he grew up, went to school, his courtship with Martha, their married life as he (reluctantly) struggled to make a living in a business he really didn't want to be involved with, before making a name for himself in the WWF. With various ups and downs, both personally and professionally, it recounts how much Owen hated the business, what he really wanted to do with his life, his goals, dreams, and the future he'd planned for his family. Then came the fateful night, at which the book recounts the events. Followed up with the preparations, funeral, lawsuit, and eventual settlement, Martha discusses the harshness of being a young widowed parent, taking on a mammoth company, the horror of putting a price of both a suit and settlement, and the long-term good that eventually came out of Owen's death.
It's a very personal book on many levels. For one, anyone who thinks that life as a wrestler would be the best thing in the world....think again, slap yourself as hard as you can, and read the book. At one point, Martha talks about the comradery Owen had with various wrestlers. While neither one approved of the lifestyle, folly, drug use, and infidelity of several wrestlers, she was grateful that Owen mainly ran around with "good apples" of the bunch, such as Al Snow, Mick Foley, and Jeff Jarrett. The business, while entertaining and financially rewarding, is a brutal one, as being on the road, working with several prima donnas and/or lazy wrestlers, and physical injuries, can take their toll. As someone who prided himself on doing his job, but never selling out from a moral standpoint, we all know that Owen had been pushed into doing the "Blue Blazer" superhero-character after rejecting two lewd storylines, and the blatent distate Owen and Martha had over them. Eventually came May 22 in Kansas City.
The night is reconstructed, and the legal precedings are gone through. Evidence is verbally presented, including a sailboat harness that cost $68, which brough Owen's life to an end. Negligance, use of cheaper labor (when the original contract was voided), and the carelessness of handling the stunt, were all factors in the fall. You will literally be horrified, sickened, and just plain angry at the lengths the WWF (and Vince McMahon himself) go through to try to cover their own backs from legal action, to placing blame on Owen himself, to discrediting Martha and her legal team. Even from there, the death itself, which should have united the grieving Harts, instead split them: the ones who sided with Martha, the ones who saw the opportunity as a chance to sweet-talk Vince into an employment opportunity, and those who stayed in the middle and out of the line of fire.
The book ends with the settlement of the lawsuit, where Martha and the kids stand today, what became of the Hart family, and how everyone has moved on, be it for better or worse. I myself am a firm believer that there is always some good that can arise out of a bad situation, and with the settlement certainly came that; how Martha got it off the ground, and the progress from there. While there were some surprises in the book, you still can't believe that what happened, did indeed happen.
Back to my story: Several people my Mom worked with were in attendance that night. After seeing the fall, the paramedics working frantically to save him, and how the show more or less went on, they were infuriated that it did, and left immediately with their kids. And all the WWF could say was "Owen would have wanted it to go on, and we didn't want a riot on our hands"? I don't blame them one bit for leaving. My mom made one comment that particularly stands out: "I do feel sorry for the Hart family; I do feel sorry for that woman for losing her husband; for the kids who lost their daddy; for the brothers and sisters who lost their little brother. But you have to realize that he had a choice, and he chose to go through with it, and now he's dead". Now while that indeed is true, I also look at it two ways: it's no secret that the WWE treats its wrestlers like circus animals, that there is an attitude from the brass to the wrestlers that "you should be proud to work for us, and you should be willing to do what we ask you". Second, should the wrestler choose not to go on with a request, they are always in danger of being unemployed, and that is true with practically ANY job. I mean, if I was asked to do something at work that I knew was hazardous, I would speak up, as safety is a major priority at the factory I work for. But with this, apparently safety was not an issue the WWF was concerned for. Sadly, it took Owen's death for Vince to realize he should never do this kind of stunt again.
My wife had audacity to ask me during a RAW telecast, "Do you think he dropped himself on purpose?" I was infuriated at even the thought. All the signs pointed to an accident, and even Vince, later that night, got onto a nosey reporter (who asked a seemingly valid question), telling her intently "I resent your tone; this was an ACCIDENT, and that's all we're willing to say". Hmmm....sounds a bit like that one scene in the movie "JFK", and for a time, I even wondered if Vince himself was behind the drop. It's a sick thought, but the way he presented himself at that instance, it seemed like a possibility. Looking back (and after reading the book), I have no doubt that Vince knew the worst once Owen hit the canvas, but as far as being responsible....obviously, the accident was on his watch, and he had asked for the stunt, but it is unfair to place total blame on Vince, and, sad to say, my mom was right. But if Owen felt it was dangerous, I do feel that speaking up for safety should have been done. A side note....included is the story of the script for that night's match, and the fall's "survivor".
My final thought: in the book Martha accuses Vince of using Owen's death to profit the revenue and ratings of the WWF. When I first learned Martha was writing a book, my thought was, "If she didn't like Vince doing it, why is SHE doing it?" OK, call me insensitive, but that was the iniatial thought. Fortunatly, Martha herself answers that question, in her book's dedication (to her children) AND then the foreward. After that, Martha, I sincerely apologize for having doubted you. It's not an easy thing to go through, and you truly have all my respect in the world. God bless you and your kids, and Owen, too.
To everyone out there: Get a copy of the book, and read it. It's a must.
BUT A SHOT IN THE DARK ONE STEP
BRET HART'S DVD
I received the Bret Hart DVD as a Christmas present
from my younger brother. Though I no longer watch
wrestling (and have sold off 95% of all my wrestling
videos), I had planned on buying this, even if I
hadn't gotten it. Now, I haven't seen the matches
yet, but I have seen the Bret biography and the
interview snippets/stories that Bret shares, and this
is truly a DVD that is worth watching, just from those
alone.
There are several interviews, including Christian,
Bruce Pritchard, Roddy Piper, Road Warrior Animal,
Chris Beniot, Bret Hart (himself), and even Vince
McMahon. It is duly noted by both Vince AND Bret that
their differences and hard feelings had been put aside
so that this compilation could be presented to Bret's
fans. Even so are pretty even-minded comments from
both Bret and Vince regarding the incident at Survivor
Series 1997, and Bret's own criticism regarding the
WWF Title change at Wrestlemania 9 from himself to
Yokozuna to Hulk Hogan within a matter of 5 minutes.
One of the best things about it, is hearing Bret's
coming up in the ranks, in Calgary Stampede wrestling,
and then to Puerto Rico, before joining the (then)
WWF, and how he originally wanted to tag up with Jim
Neidhart and form the Hart Foundation, but was
rebuffed by writers because "that'll never work
out"...but lo and behold, a few weeks later, that was
the case, and history takes it all from there.
Another interesting take is Bret discussing several
of his matches, and hearing what was going on as it is
being played out on the screen. For instance, during
one match with Mr. Perfect, Bret goes flying onto the
steel rail and onto a small platform. Bret says that
had he missed the platform or not landed where he did,
he most likely would have blown out a knee. In
another instance, during his King of the Ring 1993
quarterfinal match against Razor Ramon, he is to land
over the ropes into Razor's arms and both hit the
ground. But Razor was a bit unprepared but caught his
guard just in time, or both might have been seriously
injured. The best, though, is Bret in his first WWF
Championship match against Ric Flair. Bret dislocates
his finger, and a moment later while catching his
breath, you can see him pop his finger back into
place. Then the camera actually catches Curt Hennig
making a face, his reaction to seeing Bret.
In the extras, you get several snippets, such as
Bret recalling Owen prank-calling Stu in their hotel
room, Bret going over a family picture and telling how
each of his brothers and sisters individually were
instrumental in his career and what they did in their
own careers. There is a tribute to his brother Dean,
who died of kidney failure the day before Survivor
Series 1990, and Bret having to wrestle Ted DiBiase at
the Series. Then there is Bret remembering his fellow
wrestlers who had passed on, and in most cases,
thinking "What happened?", and finally breaking down
while remembering Rick Rude.
Now, the matches that Bret hand-picked for the DVD:
Hart Foundation vs British Bulldogs, 7/13/85, Madison
Square Garden
LOOKING BACK
Thanks for letting me back in for this guest
appearance.
Thanks for listening (and putting up with me),
Adam
AWAY FROM YOU
A SHOT IN THE DARK NOT A THING
THAT YOU CAN DO
A SHOT IN THE DARK ALWAYS
CREEPING UP ON YOU
THE HITMAN'S ICON
by Adam
JANUARY 2006
First off, Happy New Year to all the readers out
there. Next up, the obvious one: my sincere
condolences go out to Eddie Guerrero's family for
their unexpected loss. He was a tremendous talent, a
fun wrestler to watch, and truly inspirational in the
fact that he successfully came back from injuries,
addictions, and demons to make his fans happy. I
think that Tony Schiavone said it best at Slamboree
1996 when he said that "if you could measure a man by
the size of his heart, Eddie Guerrero would be
champion of the world."
Hart Foundation vs Killer Bees, 2/17/86, Madison
Square Garden
Bret vs British Bulldog, Summerslam 92,
Intercontinental Title match
Bret vs Bam Bam Bigelow, 4/24/93, Barcelona, Spain
Bret vs Mr Perfect, King of the Ring 1993, Semifinal
match
Bret vs Owen Hart, Wrestlemania 10
Bret vs Ricky Steamboat, 3/8/86, Boston Garden
Bret vs Ted DiBiase, 3/8/89, Odessa, TX
Hart Foundation vs The Rockers, 4/28/90, Saturday
Night Main Event
Hart Foundation vs The Nasty Boys, Wrestlemania 7, Tag
Team Title match
Bret vs Mr Perfect, Summerslam 91, Intercontinental
Title match
Bret vs Owen Hart, 9/29/94, White Plains, NY, WWF
Title match
Bret vs Hakushi, May 1995 In Your House
Bret vs Diesel, Survivor Series 1995, WWF Title match
Bret vs British Bulldog, December 1995 In Your House,
WWF Title match
Bret vs Steve Austin, Wrestlemania 13, Submission
match
Bret vs Undertaker, One Night Only, WWF Title match
Bret vs Chris Beniot, 10/4/99, WCW Nitro, Owen Hart
Tribute match
I know we all have one or two matches we wish would
have been on there....I know I wish that Bret vs Roddy
Piper at Wrestlemania 8 would be on there. But I
figure, give Bret the benefit of the doubt, as he
watched probably every match he wrestled in (in other
words, over thousands of hours' worth of video) and
picked these 18 matches.
Even then, Bret also talks about how WCW failed to
utilize him creatively, and the how the injury that
ended his career most likely contributed to the stroke
he suffered some time ago. In the end, the sad irony
is that Bret, who was reputed to be a "safe-working"
wrestler who never injured anybody in his two decades
or work, had his career ended by a wrestler whose
reckless abandon-work ethic and legitimately injured
wrestlers (while not necessarily intentional).
Please do yourself a favor and go get yourself this
DVD.
While recovering from recent oral surgery, I caught
up on some letter-writing. When I'm writing for long
periods of time, I like to stick in a video that's
rather lengthy. So this time, I stuck in one of the
wrestling videos I have kept---the 1996 Slammy Awards
Presentation. While occasionally browsing up, it was
weird to think that nearly 10 years have passed since
then, and to see where some of the award winners are
now. For instance, we have lost Curt Hennig, Freddie
Blassie, Gorilla Monsoon, Owen Hart, and Bodydonna
Skip; we know Bret Hart's story; Vader left the
industry to become involved with his real estate
interests; Vince McMahon left his announcing job to
become the most hated character in the history of
wrestling; we saw up-and-comers Hunter-Hearst Helmsley
and Steve Austin rise to the top and become great WWE
champions; we've had Undertaker and Shawn Michaels hit
their pinnacle, take extensive time off for
debilitating injuries, and come back to further cement
their legacies; there was Sunny hitting rock bottom
recently; and we've watched Golddust and Ahmed Johnson
make comebacks, but fade into obscurity. Sad to say,
but while time may heal all wounds, sometimes ten
years isn't always good to all.
Heading into yet another sunset,
Adam
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